I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize