I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
