I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
