Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
