Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
