so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
