I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
