I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
