i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
