I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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