the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
