so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
