He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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