just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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