The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
