I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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