nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
