I want to stick my p in your. b.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
