Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize