I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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