Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
