tonight lets celebrate not being married
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
