I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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