Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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