How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
