What did we do last night that was yellow?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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