Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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