the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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