My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize