i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize