if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
