do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
