my vag is so smooth its legendary
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
