Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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