I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
