her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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