textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
