I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
