no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
