Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
