He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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