Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
