Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
