Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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