sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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