no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
