so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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