Is it because I queefed?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
