Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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