I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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