How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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