i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
