I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
