Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
