Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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