SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
