Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
