proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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