you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize