Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
