dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
