1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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