Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
