On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
