Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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